The busy couple’s guide to connection: 5 things you can do today to improve your relationship.
Our attention is the greatest gift that we have to give. There are so many demands on our time and attention, kids and careers foremost among them, but even the draw of our phone or the TV can take our attention away from our partner. So often it’s our relationship that stuffers from neglect because it is easy to overlook until it’s screaming for attention.
When was the last time you took time to really see your partner?
Or the last time you felt truly seen? If couples don’t make it a priority to attend to each other their relationship can very quickly begin to suffer, leading to more tension and conflict, less understanding and lower relationship satisfaction overall. When this happens the relationship goes into what we call “negative sentiment override.” This simply means that the relationship has a build up of resentment, anger, and defensiveness, leading to even neutral interactions to be perceived by one or both partners in a negative light. We’ve all been there.
While I am not by any means suggesting that all the problems in a relationship can be solved in 5 steps, there are some simple things that you can do NOW to foster a more positive connection with your partner.
Talk for 20 minutes a day. Set aside a little time each day to connect about your day, how you feel, what you are looking forward to or struggling with. Many couples fit this in over dinner, or after they put the kids to bed or even on a phone call over lunch.
Notice the good stuff. Make an effort to look for the little things your partner does and thank them for their effort. “Thanks for unloading the dishwasher, I really appreciate it”
Touch each other. When life gets busy, casual touch is often forgotten. Simply brushing your hand over your partner's back as you pass in the kitchen communicates fondness and admiration.
Kiss like you mean it. Research has shown that sharing a 6 second kiss has long lasting health benefits. Make a ritual out of hugging good morning or kissing each other hello and goodbye.
Talk about sex. Many busy couples don’t experience strong spontaneous desire the way they used to, aka “I must have you right here and right now.” While planning to have sex may feel unromantic or forced to many people, creating opportunities to put your skin next to you partner’s skin and seeing what happens is a crucial part of maintaining a long lasting erotic connection with your partner.
And… rinse and repeat
It may take some time to form habits around these ideas but keep at it! Some days one or both of you will forget. You’ll revert to old patterns or slip up and point out the negative instead of looking for ways to compliment each other. That's ok, just try again at the next opportunity. And if after trying all of this you are still struggling to connect, reach out to a couples counselor. Getting help from a professional doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it means you care!
