The Myth of Spontaneous Desire

Everything is foreplay in the beginning… 

Spontaneous desire is often identified at a feeling of sexual desire that strikes out of the blue. Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are, uses the image of this kind of desire as a spontaneous lightning bolt to the crotch, “kaboom” desire!  This is the what we often see in movies or read about in books.  We are conditioned to view this as the best or most “real” kind of desire.  Responsive desire on the other hand, occurs in response to a situation or stimuli. Imagine a situation when your partner wanted to have sex but you weren’t that into it. Imagine you responded with willingness to explore and from this willingness pleasure and desire began to emerge.  This is responsive desire. It’s desire that emerges in response to a stimulus or situation. It’s every bit as pleasurable as spontaneous desire, it just looks a little different.

But is it really all that different?

In the beginning, the hayday of spontaneous desire, so much time is spent thinking about a new partner, planning dates and preparing to see each other. All building longing, anticipation and desire.  What we may see as spontaneous desire may actually be the result of all of this anticipation and tension surrounding the new connection. Once we commit, whether it’s marriage, children, cohabitating, or agreeing to remain monogamous, your lover becomes a more of sure thing. As a result, we often stop trying so hard. The anticipatory excitement is replaced by a warm security.  Around this same time, the “spontaneous” desire may also begin to fade.

The problem?

Spontaneous desire is often held to be better or more “real” than responsive desire. But, is it really? Let's look at the myth of spontaneous desire.  Esther Perel (Mating in captivity) includes all of the activities leading up to “spontaneous” desire in the building of an erotic mindset that contributes to the sexuality of an individual or couple.  So thoughts, preparations, and anticipation all increase the erotic charge, leading to more desire. Newness naturally increases the tension, the “otherness” of a partner that is so essential to any desire, making it feel more spontaneous in the beginning. Soooooo, you ask, how do I maintain desire in a long-term committed relationship?  Especially if *gasp* children come along. Couples who struggle with desire discrepancies (aka. most couples at one time or another) often mourn fading spontaneous desire and are unsure how to maintain a satisfying sex life without it. The good news- it’s possible! Check out 5 Things couples can do to maintain desire in long term relationships for some tips.

Resources

Perel, E. (2017). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. Harper.

Nagoski, E. (2021). Come as you are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster