Parents in Love: How stay connected after kids

So you've had a baby… Can you have a relationship too?  

Parenting is not for the faint of heart.  It's a 24 hour a day, all consuming, often thankless job.  It's probably harder than anything you've ever done before.  You have probably felt unprepared, ill equipped and woefully inadequate.  You've also probably felt love beyond anything you could have imagined.

Love so big and transformational that life may be divided into “before and after.” 

While children are undeniably a source of great and humbling joy for their parents, most parents feel a longing or nostalgia for the “before” time.  While parenting can deepen the love between partners, having a child (or children) can also create a rift in the relationship that is difficult to recover from. 

In many ways, becoming a parent is similar to an affair.

Falling in love outside your primary relationship is hard on the relationship.  Even when the person you both fall in love with is your child!  It requires time, effort, honesty and intentionally prioritizing your relationship to recover from this “rift.”  

So how do you do it?!

Prioritize your own and your partner’s self care.

Support each other taking time out for yourselves. Ask questions about how to best support each other and then follow through!  This means not complaining, making comments, or acting resentful about the self care you agreed to support your partner in.  We call this “not polluting the gift.”  It’s hard, but essential!  It will help to create an environment of gratitude, love and connection, even when you are spending time apart. 

 Make your relationship a priority

Prioritize spending quality time together doing things you both enjoy.  This can be as simple as taking a walk, making a moment to hug, kiss or touch, or eating together at the end of the day.  Getting a sitter for a date night or even (gasp) a weekend away, is wonderful, but it may not be possible as often as you’d like.  The relationship has needs that are different from (and at times in conflict with) the individual needs of each partner.  So, this means making the RELATIONSHIP a priority even when it’s hard to find the time.   

Don’t let the sex die

While it's perfectly normal to go through dry spells, especially after a baby, making an effort to maintain your sexual connection has long term benefits for the health of the relationship.  After all, it’s probably part of what brought you together in the first place.  Expanding the definition of what sex is (spoiler alert, it’s NOT just about the intercourse) can help alot, as can getting enough sleep and taking any obligation off the table.  

Be kind

Parenting is HARD.  Relationships are HARD.  Give each other a break, you are both (probably) trying.  Kindness is essential for a secure and healthy bond.  Being intentional about practicing kindness with your partner on a daily basis goes a long way towards building positive feelings about the relationship, which in turn, increases the overall happiness of both partners.  

Need more tips?  Check out The busy couple’s guide to connection: 5 things you can do today to improve your relationship or The Myth of Spontaneous Desire