5 Things couples can do to maintain desire in long term relationships

5 Things couples can do to maintain desire in long term relationships

One of the most common problem I see as a couples sex therapist is diminished desire in long term relationships. Sometimes this leads to a desire discrepancy, where one partner wants to be sexual more than the other. Sometimes folks come for help rekindling their sex life after months or years of low sex or no sex. Often the loss of sexual connection leads to feelings of obligation, resentment, sadness, rejection and anger, none of which are very sexy. So how do you bring the sexy back?

Accept the myth of spontaneous desire. 

It  is not better or worse than responsive desire and contrary to popular belief, both types of desire take effort, commitment and time.  Date your spouse, make a plan to have sex, make connection and intimacy a priority- allowing desire to emerge rather than expecting it to arrive all on its own. 

Talk about sex- a lot. 

Share what you like and don’t like and get curious about pleasure, your own and your partner’s.  A lot can change over time so you may not know your partner (or yourself) as well as you think.  

Have more sex you actually want- even if this means less sex overall. 

I’ll repeat that, having better sex may mean having less sex overall!  If the sex you are having is not enjoyable to you, then a lack of desire for that kind of sex is just good common sense.  So, communicate honestly with your partner about what you want and need.  

Expand your definition of what “sex” is. 

Some couples find taking intercourse off the table for a time helps to re-kindle their erotic connection, allowing them to focus on the “non-sex” part of sex, leading to more desire.    

Accept that there is no “normal.” 

There is no normal number of times per week or normal type of sex- it’s all about what brings pleasure to you and your partner.  Judging yourself by what you think you “should” be doing will only serve to make you feel worse- decreasing desire and capacity for pleasure.  Allow pleasure to be the guiding principle of your sex life.

Need more help? Check out The busy couples guide to connection , The myth of spontaneous desire and How to stay connected after kids.