Want to fight better? Do these 4 things.
How many hours have most of us spent training for our professional careers? Whether it’s in high school, college, graduate school, internships or on the job training, we are carefully groomed into professional roles. How to act, what to wear, what to say and how to say it are all part of our training, not to mention all the specialized skills and knowledge needed to perform in whatever profession we might be in.
Now apply that to intimate relationships. While some of us may have picked up some skills or impressions of how to be a good partner from their family of origin, too many will have learned all the wrong lessons. It’s not your fault. Fighting well is a skill just like writing a legal document or repairing a car, but the difference is that we expect that we should just instinctively know how to cope with conflict in relationships. We don’t recognize (too often though the fog of hurt, anger and frustration) that there is actually a skill to fighting well. A skill that most of us were never taught! So is it any wonder that so many of us struggle with conflict?
So how do we do it differently? Follow this one simple rule: The gloves should never come off… unless you’re holding hands. Many of us have learned that we should be able to let go of filters when we are in the comfort of our home and in the security of our relationship. The problem? Taking the gloves off causes unnecessary damage and doesn’t usually help to get you heard! In anger and frustration, we often indulge in too much self expression or resort to passive or dishonest communication styles. So, how can we fight well?
Use “I statements.” “You” statements can feel blaming and generally evoke a more defensive or angry reaction. So, Instead of “You always leave your mess laying around!” Try “I feel frustrated when I come home and the house is messy.”
Speak your truth- but do it with care and kindness. Remember, this person is precious to you! So treat them with love, even (and especially) when they are driving you crazy!
Take a break. When tensions and tempers begin to rise, take a break. Walk away, take a breath, BUT make a plan to come back and resume the conversation once both of you are more calm.
Repair, repair, repair! No matter how skilled you become at fighting well, there is still need for repair and reconnection. This means apologizing, listening and acknowledging.
